I am very excited about this week's blog as it is in collaboration with 4 lovely ladies who are a part of the workforce while being moms. I know many women do not like to be referred to as working mothers or workforce moms. I would probably also not like it. However, I am using the terminology in this blog with the sole intent of distinguishing between the women who have not chosen to be a part of the workforce and those who have chosen to be a part of it. While I say this, I would like to show all the ladies who prefer to be stay at home moms, my greatest respect as I am well aware of the challenges they face.
I write this blog in the view of the International Women's Day that just went by on 08MAR2018. For me, International Women's Day is a mark of achievements that women have made with respect to parity in pay and opportunities. Just 2 years back, women in some countries were not even "allowed" to drive or vote. This year, we are aware of at least one country which has recognised the contributions a woman can make to the society and have amended their laws to make this possible. I know there are still quite a few issues related to women that needs to be addressed, so I do understand why many women chose to "uncelebrate" Women's day. However, I request them to please also celebrate the progress made related to some of the women's issues as well and also "uncelebrate", but not in a manner that could hurt the sentiments of other women- for example, a victim of acid attack who wants to celebrate her life returning to normalcy using the platform of International Women's Day.
Now, back to the collaboration with the 4 lovely women- These moms discuss their challenges and support mechanisms that enabled them to pursue their career. Please do note that the views that they have expressed in this blog is completely their own and are not of their employers/institutions.
Let us have a quick round of introduction before the discussion begins:
Malabika Maulik (MM): a post-grad student pursuing a PhD in US who is also a mother to a 3 year old boy.
Hiya Mukherjee (HM): a clinical research professional based in India who is also a mother to a 4 year old boy.
Deepti Vimal (DV): a doctor by qualification, working in a healthcare organisation, based in India, who is also a mom to a beautiful 3 year old girl
Kavita Shenoy (KS): a bank professional based in India is a mom to a 20s something son and a teenage daughter
This is what they had to say about some of the questions posed to them:
Did you face any insecurities related to your career in view of your pregnancy/maternity during or before your maternity leave? If yes, what were they and how did you deal with it? If no, how did you manage to stay confident?
MM: I was a second year graduate PhD student when I conceived. Honestly I never faced insecurity related my career during my pregnancy. My insecurities were mostly related to how am I going to react to this big change in life. However, after the baby was born I was facing lot of emotional problems and episodes of memory loss. I felt that I won’t be able to cope with the immense pressure of graduate studies. I was appearing for my qualifying exams which is mandatory to pass to qualify for the final defense . Moreover, I didn’t have any maternity leave. However, thanks to my understanding advisor and supporting spouse and friends, I was always able to work around with a very flexible schedule. I was very lucky to give birth in a place with relatively less prejudices on childbirth and post pregnancy life. Here it is very normal for women to carry on with their normal lives after delivering a baby.
HM: No. I had a good discussion about my development plan with my manager what I would be responsible for before I started my ML. The transition was already planned how we would manage upon my return.
DV: No, not at all. I feel extremely lucky to work with a manager who always appreciated my hard work. While I was carrying, never ever a thought of insecurity came into my mind. To further add to my confidence, I was promoted during my maternity leave. I still remember when I had received call from my manager informing about my promotion. It was a pleasant surprise and quite motivational too!
KS: No. My superiors had trust on the quality of work and the honesty with which I perform I did not
have any insecurity pertaining to my career before or after my ML. It is also true that when a lady
proceeds on Maternity Leave of 6 long months that creates an obvious uneasiness in the minds of
superiors as the work gets hampered. Hence the boss tries to transfer her to some other not so
important department fearing frequent availing of child care leave even after her rejoining.
Many Indian women are often criticised for focussing on their career and not show the expected level of care to the child. This may not be true but th criticism exists. Have you faces such criticism and how do/did you deal with it?
MM: Well I didn’t face any criticism for that. But I didn’t have any success with breastfeeding. We tried a lot and there was immense support from public health officials. We ultimately found out that my son was ‘tongue tied ‘ and needed an operation to fix it. But people kept on telling me how important it is to breastfeed as it would make him smarter, stronger and protect him against diseases ( all true!). But I was not able to neither naturally nor by Breast pumping ( took awefully long time and I disliked it ). So well I received my bit of criticism on that part.
HM: Yes criticism does exist in society. What is needed is strong support from your spouse/partner. I have faced it myself and the best thing to do is to ignore such talks and stick on what you are doing. Both as a mother and at work.
And also be open about your limitation
Set the expectation at work that you may not be able to work long hours everyday or take late calls
And at home you tell the extended family members that while at work you may not be able to attend to everyone their concern unless it's an emergency for the child...
Then set clear responsibility with spouse and manage accordingly
KS: I strongly believe that in comparison with western countries for Indian mothers their child
acquires prime place and their career next. Hence the Sanskrit adage ‘Kuputhro Bhavathi, Kumatha
Na Bhavathi.” Yes, since I live in a small city when I rejoined after my Maternity leave my neighbours openly called me stone-hearted and started sympathising the toddler. But believe me, later they changed their opinion and started appreciating me for the way I was striking a balance between my career and childcare. I used to spend maximum time with the children once I am back office and on all the holidays playing with them and helping them out in their studies and school projects.
DV: Expected level of care may differ from person to person. I have never faced criticism on face, but yes, I have received those eye brow raising reactions or sympathy filled reactions (of course for my daughter), when they come to know that my daughter goes to full-day creche. I feel I am giving my daughter the best care I can, which any nuclear family with both working parents will.
How do you deal with providing care and cater to the needs of your child while there are critical deadlines and work situations that require your time and attention?
HM: Sharing responsibility with spouse/partner for child care... at work, set expectation, share workload and delegate as needed
It's a challenge to manage both.. So only committ after knowing how much you can do
KS: I sought help my counterpart i.e my husband to obtain leave and support the child. But when my son wanted my moral support during his board exams I convinced my boss and got the leave sanctioned. But on the days of his exam I used to go to the office, sometimes half-a-day to handle work situations even during my sanctioned leave.
DV: I try my best not to bring work to home, but in times of those work related unavoidable critical situations, I have extremely supportive and understanding husband who takes care of my daughter and her needs.
MM: Me and my husband worked in shifts to take care of the kid. Also I am blessed with a great daycare and a great set of friends who have never let us down in taking care of the kiddo in case we both have deadlines to meet.
What kind of policies/laws do you think would help bring more mothers into the workforce or make it easy for already working mothers?
DV: Policies like working from home, flexible working hours, six working hours from 6th month of pregnancy, flexibility of leaving office space early after joining post maternity leaves, and creche facility are the policies which make it easy for working mothers.
MM: I think there are policies like paid maternity leave. There should also be policies like paternity leave so that both spouses can spend equal time in taking care of the child. This will also give some respite to the new mother. Also, there is a lot to do with the mindset of the people. A mother wants to work not because she doesn’t like her children, because she wants to be equally empowered and accountable to meet the needs of the family.
HM: Flexi hours work best along with existing WFH policies.. Laws are a little too much 😊 but more than policies and laws it's the awareness amongst managers that helps best to support a working mother .. So creating sensitivity awareness and making the managers empathetic will work better than policies and laws.
KS: All the problems I faced is related to leave sanction. Hence I feel Ladies should be given preference over male colleagues while sanctioning leave. Sorry Sir/s, I think you agree with me that a woman has to play diversified roles. Hence the preference. Apart from this I don’t expect any women-oriented policies because they are often misused. Again when we talk of Equality for Women we don’t have right to demand more.
Did the thought of quitting your job ever cross your mind? How did you deal with such it?
KS: Yes. Since I did not have any elders at home I thought of leaving the job at that juncture. Leaving the child in the hands of a governess used to bring nightmares. Finally I convinced my trustworthy maid to be a part-time care taker. True to my expectations she took care of the child very well. I am into a transferable job where getting a place of one’s choice and getting relieved from the place of earlier posting include inter connected processes. During such times also I wanted to quit my job. But when I stopped thinking through my heart and started thinking through my brain I have always realised that Organisation also has some policies in dealing with such issues and patient waiting from employees side is the only solution for that.
MM: No I never felt like quitting my job. I felt like giving up on my studies for sure but a lot of people told me that I should not give up because once we have children the responsibilities increases exponentially with time. So there will no more ‘right times’in our lives to do stuff.
What kind of a support system would help or make it wasy for parents to have successful careers and a good family life? Can one have it all?
MM: Supportive spouses and understanding in laws. I know some of my friends just had to quit because spouses are indifferent Or they are been shamed for putting children in daycare or even in laws have said that they are not ready to be nanny because of the mother should have the ‘fun’ of motherhood !!There are also some cases when mother had to quit because she genuinely couldn’t find good care for her kids. Having said all that, It’s very hard to strike a balance. We can only try !!!
HM: It's difficult to do it all at one go. It's has to be phased out.... there is no best support system per say... staying with in-laws has it's pros and cons.. having a maid also has the same.. similarly not staying with in-laws and no maid support has it's pros and cons.. we have to adjust in the situation we are by balancing everything right. But companies providing creche/day care facility or with their flexi policies and well trained managers are the best support system a working mother can have... every child is different.. So the kind of support system needed may vary from parents to parents
How do you manage to make time for doing things you enjoy?
HM: Take a break.. don't feel guilty when you are having some fun... again partner/spouse plays a big role... discuss and agree that a particular day of the week or month is your day.. to hang out with friends.. or go to a spa or salon...whatever one wishes. The most important thing is to disengage your thoughts and enjoy the moment.. and DON'T FEEL GUILTY..
KS: By skipping my sleep. Since I belong to old school of thought I sometimes feel guilty if I take space for myself. I feel I am stealing my family’s time. Hence I sit late in the night for doing something I enjoy and keep myself lively. But now that children are grown up I involve them by taking their suggestions and help. They feel elated when their mother bags a prize in small competitions. Just like how we expect our children to be the toppers they also expect something from their mothers.
Final Thoughts:
MM: Please do not judge ‘working mothers’. Being a mother is not easy. Every person has their share of difficulties. There are reasons why she would or would not chose to work. Respect them. Mothers are often lauded as ‘ superhumans’ but end of the day they are Humans made of flesh, blood, tears and emotions.
HM: When we were kids our parents did not have so many media to get trained on best parenting skills.. they either learnt from their parents or in-laws or some relative and friend.. they were allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.. but for this generation parents because of too many teaching media (social media mostly) there are just too many floating advices and the expectation from parents are too high. So, there is a lot of pressure in how you bring up a kid from many sources... including schools conducting parenting classes... and any mistake made is sometimes blown out of proportion. Like any other experience and skill, parenting should also be allowed at times to make mistakes and then learn and not be made into a social ridicule by circulating in social media
Personally for me, it was a great experience to go through these discussions. I think there are some useful tips in case one is looking for them. Hope you enjoyed going through this discussion, as much as I did.
Wow
ReplyDeleteEvery year I read articles on Empowerment of women,struggle for equality, dignity etc etc... during International Women's Day. Shantala, You stood apart by choosing to write a blog with special reference to working mothers.A working woman realises her full potential only after becoming a mother. The young mothers MM,HM and DV are very positive and their replies/suggestions/views are the guiding light to the working mothers-to-be.
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